“At last, a manual that unravels the tangled inner workings of human beings, allowing you to subjugate them better than ever before!” — Catsweek
As cats, adoration is our birthright. Humans have proved this by worshiping us as gods since the days of Ancient Egypt. But despite the superiority, brilliance, and regal bearing of the feline race, our companion humans continue to frustrate us with their bizarre actions and incomprehensible desires — until now. In The Cat’s Guide to Human Behavior, eminent humanologist Professor F.L. Uffy reveals the mysteries behind the lumbering, gigantic oafs we love tolerate so much. Keep this guide on paw to help you solve some of your most difficult human-related issues.
- Recognize warning signs for impending conniption fits
- Learn how to chase away unwanted romantic attachments
- Implement tried and true techniques to increase your food supply
- Wake your slumbering companion at your favorite hours —2 am – 5 am
Perfect as a gift for friends or family or an amusing read for yourself.
EBOOK, PAPERBACK, OR AUDIOBOOK
When humans mate, they tend to live together even when the female is not in heat. Because of this, you may be present for the introduction of a new potential mate for your human. This can be an unsettling time, since the new person can cause great changes in the den, sometimes for the worse. In general, the introduction of a female to the den is a good thing for both you and the male. The female, as we have noted, usually worships you as you deserve, offering you tidbits and speaking pleasingly to you.
When your single female brings an unfamiliar male around, however, you may encounter difficulties. The male may disdain your company, fear your hold over the female, or step on you when staggering through the den after a night of feasting and/or coupling. In the event that the male does not show sufficient signs of respect on account of your superiority, you may need to take action. This can be accomplished in various ways. More effective methods include: leaping at him unexpectedly from atop the food box, doors, drapes, or shelves; climbing up his bare leg and scratching whatever dangly bits you encounter along the way; peeing on the windshield of his moveable den; and sinking your razor-sharp fangs into his nose and refusing to release them until his screams of pain become whimpers of terror and he runs off into the night, never to return.
Note: these techniques may also be employed towards unfriendly visitors, mean neighbors, or humans who get on your bad side for specific reasons, or, let’s face it, no reasons whatsoever.